Reading: The Silent Blade
Listening: Better Life
Day: ??
So much has happened since the turn of the year. Or at least, so much has finally sunk in for me since the turn of the year.
Hello, indeed, 2013.
My grandpa, at the age of 89, finally let slip his grasp on life and passed in his sleep on January 13th.
He was a wonderful man, and I am lucky to be able to say that I have many many fond memories of time spent with him.
The last time I saw him, he had been in the nursing home for a few months, and frankly.. the moments that I could really tell that he was present with me were few and fleeting. At this point dementia had already begun setting in, and it was a gamble whether or not he knew who was visiting him. For me, there is nothing worse than being with someone you've known all your life and not being able to see any recognition in their eyes. This was the main reason I was not willing to go up north often after he was moved to the nursing home, much to my mother's frustration. My grandpa had already slipped away from me.
Prior to that visit, before I traveled to Japan for the summer and he was still living at home with my grandma, I had one of my most profound moments with him. I understood then, that he knew he didn't have much time left in the larger scheme of things. I appreciated that he wanted to settle certain things while he still had the presence of mind to do so exactly how he desired, and I am so happy that he was able to.
In my heart I know that that was my grandpa's goodbye to me.
I would not have had it any other way.
This isn't to say that it made his death any easier to bear. I can't help from crying right now as I type about all of this. But at least I got the chance to have closure with him, the way I know he wanted it to be.
Many members of my family were with him in his final moments, his oldest son and daughter holding his hands. We had all known it was coming for a long time.
Not that that ever helps.
In any case, the family dynamic up north has been turned upside down; an understandable side effect as all 8 children try to comfort my grandma in her moment of loss. My oldest cousin married in just enough time for him to witness the event, and her wedding reception yesterday was a chance for everyone in the family to come together and start figuring out the politics of what will happen next.
My grandpa was in the military in his youth, and was station in East Asia for a while. He was fortunate enough to be able to bring many items back to the States with him. Many items now coveted by each of the 8 siblings.
I don't even want to think about it. Or about what will happen to my grandparents house (my grandpa was a Realtor, so he and my grandma were able to retire to a nice piece of lake shore property) when my grandma is no longer able to live by herself. Or about how despite Wills, everything will hit the fan because of personal feelings of entitlement.
I don't want to think about it.
Outside of the grief 2013 has brought along with it, I've started preparing myself for life outside of the sandbox.
I'm making attempts to make the lyrics from AWOLNATION's Kill Your Heroes become my anthem for taking on life.
"Never let your fear decide your fate"
I am afraid of so much after college. My last post sort of addressed that among other fears, but really as I have gotten older, I've shrunk back into hiding from more and more that life has to offer.
I need to step up. Take chances. Apply for everything that I possibly can. Chase my dreams.
This is why I'm getting this education.
I want to be able to catch those dreams and live them.
So I'm going to LA over my spring break to network and job shadow game and movie companies. I'm trying to hone my skills in all of the programs I use. I'm expanding and improving my talents. Everything I can, so that I can make all of the struggle, all of the needless fear and worrying, worth it.
And so it's you and me, 2013. We're going to evolve from this Magikarp existence into a Gyarados that can fend for itself. I will succeed. I will be able to conquer the growing shadow of debt, and I will live my dreams.
I can do this. And it all is starting now.
