I've been getting into life a little bit over my head lately.
I brought it onto myself, of course. Taking too much to do at once, pretending I can balance these heavy things on the tips of my fingers when I'm really scrambling to keep even my thoughts from getting jumbled.
Then 2013 had to remind me that this is the year that I take my own Hero's Journey.
I've made it through the many challenges, one by one, and now I am at the peak of my transformation. The obstacle of all obstacles, waiting to shake my very existence to it's core.
And so, the one person I love most in this world was diagnosed with skin cancer.
As my world started to fall apart around me, I struggled to collect the pieces on top of everything else I was trying to do,
and I failed.
I gave in.
Gave in to selfish wants, gave in to the fear, gave in to the voice in my head that constantly tells me that I'm not good enough.
Sleep has -- since some time early in my life, but more frequently now -- always been a retreat for me. When I'm asleep, whether I dream or not, I'm free from it all. The pressure, the sadness, the self-depreciation.
I embraced that escape when I failed.
I ran away from it all and stopped trying to keep pushing forward despite the turmoil in my heart and in my mind.
But when someone so close to me, whom I've always admired and looked up to, has so much more reason to give up, who am I to let such comparatively trivial things get to me so? I need to be strong for them, as they have been strong for me all of my twenty two years.
I've recently been taking steps toward recovering my lost panache. Forcing myself to attend things I would normally sleep through or pass on, because of the sloth that so often convinces me it's more comfortable to just lay down in bed.
Unfortunately for most of my academics, I've dug quite a hole for myself just in time for the finals crunch, but I'll be okay.
I'll not let myself ruin the opportunities that have recently come my way. So much good comes to those who try, and even in the past week and a half I've seen as much more than I deserve. A summer job in the Games for Entertainment and Learning Lab, featured work in the Media Sandbox Showcase, and potential for a future in the field I yearn to surround myself in.
I can feel eyes on me now, and if they think they'll catch me off my game for one moment, they're sorely mistaken.
It's not just for me anymore.
So goodbye, sleep. This is the end of our long term relationship.
I'm going to probably have to embrace this thing called cosmetics to compensate otherwise very dark under eye circles, but that's a compromise I'm willing to make if it means making the most of my life.
On to a better tomorrow.
