In a matter of days I'll have entered into my twenty second year of existence.
It's during times like these that I reflect on my progress in life and this time, so many things have changed.
Suddenly I feel as if I'm not allowed to be comfortable anymore with the rate at which I was advancing academically, socially, familially and instead some unseen uncontrollable force has thrust everything into high gear. Here I am on my toes, trying to keep the pieces of my life together, scrambling and out of shape.
I feel like I'm becoming un-knit from my family, more of a (most welcome) guest at my home than one returning from an extended trip to their rightful place. My bed is no longer mine, used for visitors and the occasional animal; the room it is housed in, now primarily filled with storage clutter.
I'm expected to be a professional now, or at least feign that I can be one, in order to secure the type of future that I want. I wonder how long I can bluff before I either learn the ropes or get found out.
A life full of transitions is what I face now, what I feel that this twenty second year looming before me will present as my greatest challenge thus far. I'm not ready, but life has it's own way of not giving you a choice in the matter.
And as much as I'd like to end this on an optimistic note, I'm unsure that I'll be able to come out on the right side of things by the time this all evens out. But I guess that's a part of the challenge now, isn't it.
Thank you for your honesty, and I don't think your concerns should be played down with a washed out comment of "絶対大丈夫だよ！" even though I feel that would be accurate too ^^;
ReplyDeleteNot that you were asking for my in put, but here it is: I don't think anyone really "figures it out" right out of the stocks. We're meant to transition and sometimes those changes seem like the opposite of good or helpful. But they more exciting bit is still out there. And if we didn't fail and if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't mean as much when we get there (and realize that "there" is unreachable, and that life is more than a segmentation of "times" and "places", but is a culmination of growing of some thoughts and forced retirement of others...)